This Real People clip of a valley-girl competition in 1982 in the Sherman Oaks Galleria (RIP) hurts in about a hundred different ways. All those Beths and Lauras and Laurens and Loryns and Lauries and Loris — to think (on birthday eve), they’re all in their 40s now, regretting the many afternoons they slathered up in baby oil and laid out. Now the doctors have to literally bag their faces and zap off the melanomas.

I loved the valley girls then and I still do, and may I just add: It never went away. You can hear it across, like, generations now. You can hear (I hope just a trace of) it every time I open my mouth.

(Am thinking fondly of Derba’s mom, the great Winnie McCall, who never quite got the ’80s lingo down. “Gag me with a spoon,” translated into Winniese, became “Go get me a spoon.” Which still cracks us up.)